LONG intro . . . .
So awhile back my awesome cousin posted about a conversation she had with her friends about blogs and how so often they are only the good happy stuff. I fall into that. A lot. I have been thinking about that a lot lately. And wondering why.
Some of it is that I feel like I am not good with words anymore. I used to be. I received numerous A's and excelled in writing. (I feel snotty even saying that but it is true- I have papers to prove it). I feel like with each pregnancy and each bout of down health my brain has entered some weird fog and I do not express myself very well anymore. And it drives me absolutely batty. I mean BATTY to not be able to successfully put into words what I want to say. So I often don't even try. I don't want to say the wrong thing.
I worry about looking stupid, I suppose even with the good stuff. It is hard for me to put myself out here at all. It literally amazes me that I have a business and I take photographs for strangers. I worry about being boring or irrelevant or. . . worst yet a failure. Yet most of the time as long as I am happy with me, I really don't care what others think. Maybe I worry that I will see what I feel is wrong reflected back at me and then I will have to accept my falling short and. . . hmmm It isn't really how others see me so much as I just want to do everything well (that darn perfectionist tendency). And yet I rarely see what I do for its worth because I only see how far it falls short.
Some of it is overall I have a really great life with great kids who are doing well and a great husband who loves me. Most of my not perfect happy life stuff is either very small or very personal and private. and yet in real life I talk to much. It is really ironic in a way. And anyways, me talking about the not good perfect stuff gets old fast because it is usually about my health or my lack of a clean house. . .
ACTUAL post. . . .
Although today it is about my insecurity. I LOVE taking pictures. I HATE being in front of the camera. I so need a good portrait of myself for my website and my husbands desk. I can and have done a self head shot but they are BORING. I can pose others I am terrible at posing myself. I want something fun and different. I have a VERY talented friend who is willing to do it for me. Have I called her yet to set it up? NO! and WHY? you might be asking. Because I am SCARED. Of What you might ask? Lets see of picking something stupid to wear or my hair looking bad of not getting my makeup to look good (I am not really talented in any of those areas) and mostly of thinking my smile looks silly. I have clients all the time whom I think look beautiful in their portraits because they ARE beautiful women but who do not like themselves in it. I want to like myself in them.
That goes along with my family portrait dilemma. My husband prefers that I just use the timer and take it. that is free. And my kids are all old enough that they can cooperate with it and smile on demand. But last time I set up my own family portrait I didn't like the way I looked in them. So in my own VANITY I want to pay someone to take them so that I will like me. How dumb is that? But I also want nice pictures of my husband and I . We have NEVER had professional portraits of just the two of us. Not even when we got married. I so wanted that for my tenth anniversary but I went to Hawaii instead. (not complaining Hawaii was fantastic- I just never got around to the pictures).
I so need a swift kick in the rear end and get over myself and just do it.
And after all of this believe it or not, I am in reality happy :) But not perfect.
So awhile back my awesome cousin posted about a conversation she had with her friends about blogs and how so often they are only the good happy stuff. I fall into that. A lot. I have been thinking about that a lot lately. And wondering why.
Some of it is that I feel like I am not good with words anymore. I used to be. I received numerous A's and excelled in writing. (I feel snotty even saying that but it is true- I have papers to prove it). I feel like with each pregnancy and each bout of down health my brain has entered some weird fog and I do not express myself very well anymore. And it drives me absolutely batty. I mean BATTY to not be able to successfully put into words what I want to say. So I often don't even try. I don't want to say the wrong thing.
I worry about looking stupid, I suppose even with the good stuff. It is hard for me to put myself out here at all. It literally amazes me that I have a business and I take photographs for strangers. I worry about being boring or irrelevant or. . . worst yet a failure. Yet most of the time as long as I am happy with me, I really don't care what others think. Maybe I worry that I will see what I feel is wrong reflected back at me and then I will have to accept my falling short and. . . hmmm It isn't really how others see me so much as I just want to do everything well (that darn perfectionist tendency). And yet I rarely see what I do for its worth because I only see how far it falls short.
Some of it is overall I have a really great life with great kids who are doing well and a great husband who loves me. Most of my not perfect happy life stuff is either very small or very personal and private. and yet in real life I talk to much. It is really ironic in a way. And anyways, me talking about the not good perfect stuff gets old fast because it is usually about my health or my lack of a clean house. . .
ACTUAL post. . . .
Although today it is about my insecurity. I LOVE taking pictures. I HATE being in front of the camera. I so need a good portrait of myself for my website and my husbands desk. I can and have done a self head shot but they are BORING. I can pose others I am terrible at posing myself. I want something fun and different. I have a VERY talented friend who is willing to do it for me. Have I called her yet to set it up? NO! and WHY? you might be asking. Because I am SCARED. Of What you might ask? Lets see of picking something stupid to wear or my hair looking bad of not getting my makeup to look good (I am not really talented in any of those areas) and mostly of thinking my smile looks silly. I have clients all the time whom I think look beautiful in their portraits because they ARE beautiful women but who do not like themselves in it. I want to like myself in them.
That goes along with my family portrait dilemma. My husband prefers that I just use the timer and take it. that is free. And my kids are all old enough that they can cooperate with it and smile on demand. But last time I set up my own family portrait I didn't like the way I looked in them. So in my own VANITY I want to pay someone to take them so that I will like me. How dumb is that? But I also want nice pictures of my husband and I . We have NEVER had professional portraits of just the two of us. Not even when we got married. I so wanted that for my tenth anniversary but I went to Hawaii instead. (not complaining Hawaii was fantastic- I just never got around to the pictures).
I so need a swift kick in the rear end and get over myself and just do it.
And after all of this believe it or not, I am in reality happy :) But not perfect.
3 comments:
Who DOESN'T feel like their blog is too positive; when in reality, would we read each other's blogs if we were complaining all the time?!
I think you always look adorable, but you're right ~ you just need to make the appointment and get it done! Isn't nice when we actually know the answer to our own problem?!
I think you're wonderful!
I'd just get the photos taken by someone else for the family unless it will cause too much conflict; especially if it makes you feel better. I am the queen of not liking how I look ever so I understand. And the talking thing? Do you ever leave a meeting, or a play date, or whatever and think DID I SAY TOO MUCH? But then it usually isn't about what is really bothering you....yeah I do that too. I should call you more! But get the self pictures done and have a friend around for all the hair/makeup stuff.
I love your post. It is hard to look at yourself with the same critical and/or forgiving (meaning objective) eye as you would look at someone else. Whether it is your good/bad life and how you handle it or if it is a photograph of yourself. Well take it from this objective eye that you are faring pretty well on both fronts.
Post a Comment